10-15 years later, I become mom again, what does it change?

Marianne MorizotJournalist specializing in tourism/gastronomy/well-being/parenting Published on

After a first pregnancy between the ages of 20 and 30, it is not uncommon to have a second child later, around forty. How to manage this new motherhood? What if we are more stressed? How to properly integrate the eldest?... We take stock with a psychologist.

1. Late pregnancy, desire for children and motivations
2. Integrating the future dad well
3. Announcing your pregnancy to your eldest: advice from the pros
4. Mum-to-be after 35 on the psychological side
5. Keys to understanding and managing stress

Having a second child over 10 years after the first, an atypical family pattern? And yet, with the boom in blended families, fertility disorders, medically assisted procreation aids, it is no longer rare to have a baby in your forties.

Catherine Pierrat, psychologist, confirms: "It has become common in recent years to have a child late, 10 or 15 years after the first". Several social, economic, medical and psychological reasons (conscious and unconscious) can explain this trend:

Whatever the primary reason, before embarking on a new motherhood, it is necessary to question yourself and carefully consider your decision. Elodie, who had her first baby at the age of 20, and is currently pregnant with her second, took 7 years to get started with her new companion. "I wasn't sure I wanted a second one for several reasons: first, the separation from my son's dad was traumatic. Raising a child when you're a single mom isn't always easy, even if we are well surrounded. And above all, I wanted to finish my studies. Professional fulfillment is essential for me. Finally, I wondered about my ability to have two and to be able to give it everything: time, love and sufficient financial resources".

Late pregnancy, desire for a child and motivations

"The desire for a late pregnancy raises the essential question: what desire is it? The desire to (re)become a mother or the desire to have a child?", recalls the psychologist, before adding: "Indeed, other motivations can trigger a late pregnancy: the fear of aging, of no longer being considered a woman because motherhood is often associated with femininity, boredom in his work or his life in general, the revival of the weakened couple, the syndrome of the empty nest when the elders leave the house".

But we must not of course forget the basic motivation: to have a child because we really want to concretize the love of the couple, to transmit etc. And it is this reason that convinced Elodie to take the plunge. "I found the man of my life, the right one. He has no children and comes from a large family. Last year, we started talking about it. We wanted to start a family. At 35, it was time to make a decision. That said, it would have been more difficult to have a child, not to mention the huge age difference with my 15-year-old eldest, who is still at home. I wanted there to be a connection between them, with the hope that my big one would mature. Luckily, I got pregnant quickly".

Once the decision has been made, and the pregnancy test positive, the adventure of motherhood begins. In addition to the increased medical surveillance beyond the age of 35, this new pregnancy can also be destabilizing in the mind of the young mother. It is therefore important that the future dad fully plays his role as a companion. Besides, have you thought about drafting a pact for future parents together?

Mom at 20, 30 or 40: what difference does it make?

Parent at 40: what difference does it make?

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Well-integrated future dad

Whether this pregnancy is a first for him or not, it is essential to communicate well with the spouse, avoiding awkwardness. The first mistake is to refer to her previous pregnancy(ies) with her ex-spouse. The comparison with the previous companion ("he came to each ultrasound!") can be demeaning, vexing and hurtful!

You should also avoid (if possible) being followed by the same doctor and giving birth in the same maternity ward.

In general, it is very important to involve the new partner at all stages of the pregnancy, to make him (re)discover all this journey, even if it is not the first time.

Together, take the time to discuss your feelings, your fears, even your fears about childbirth, the first days of the baby...

"I feel much more supported by the dad and it's essential for this second pregnancy. And fortunately, he is zen", assures Elodie.

Once the first quarter has passed and the first fears have disappeared, then comes the time for the announcement.

Announcing your pregnancy to your eldest: advice from the pros

It's also a key moment in motherhood, which can be tricky, even scary. It is very important to make the announcement together (with the dad) and to take a moment to ask yourself and present the arrival of the baby, being ready to answer all the questions. We must avoid explaining or justifying ourselves. We must respect and accept all possible reactions: from enthusiasm to anger!

"Then once the announcement has been made, you must avoid talking about it permanently at the risk of no longer listening to the eldest. The latter must not feel side, even rejected...Throughout the pregnancy (and even after) you have to reassure him and tell him that you love him!", underlines the psychologist.

Ideally, the eldest can be associated with the project, if only in the installation of the baby's room for example. This way he/she will feel integrated and not ousted, and it will also help him to prepare for his future role as big brother or big sister and take his new place within the family. "We announced the news to the big brother during a meal. He was happy and is already planning with the future little brother or little sister, because we keep the surprise of sex", testifies Elodie. After the announcements to the family, what if we focused on ourselves?

Future mum after 35 on the shrink side

Rather relaxed or stressed for a second pregnancy? Opinions differ. While Aurélie, a 44-year-old young mother, with a 12-year-old, lived 9 months in a rather cool state of mind, Élodie, naturally stressed, had to manage her anxieties... in the midst of covid. ! "In my first pregnancy, I was carefree. But now, it's radically different, I've forgotten everything, it's as if it were my first motherhood. From the start, I had little worries about health and I was all the more alert, as previously I worked in the parental press", she confides.

"Indeed, each pregnancy, late or not, is different whether in the first symptoms, the feelings, the physical and psychological state, the childbirth... And then, 10 years, even 15 years later a birth, the memories fade or the memory is distorted by idealizing or dramatizing the previous experience", recalls Catherine Pierrat.

One thing is certain: you are not the same (future) mother at 20 as you are at 45: the outlook on life is different, you enjoy, you savor your pregnancy because you know it's certainly the last.

At 45, a large part of your professional career is over and you can focus more on your pregnancy.

The financial means are in principle better and make it possible to support the pregnancy with physical and/or aesthetic care and to comfortably accommodate the baby. We have a different approach to the development of the child through his own maturity. Elodie agrees "I am much more aware of what is happening in my body with this second pregnancy. My baby is also moving more, I talk to him. While I followed a basic preparation the first time, I especially appreciated this time personalized support with a midwife. I also wanted to do lots of prenatal activities: dance, aquagym, yoga, sophrology, haptonomy... On the purchasing side, it's also very different . I buy less new and/or big brands. I'm greener, I favor organic, second-hand, quality with eco-friendly materials. And for childbirth, I would like it to be do in the water”.

During the 9 months of pregnancy, however, it is not easy to stay calm... even when you are approaching your forties.

Keys to understanding and managing stress

In order to work on your zen, it is important to know the reasons for your stress, which can be diverse and cumulative:

Having a child late in life is not just about pregnancy and childbirth: you will have to accompany this child for at least twenty years and plan for the future; it can also be the source of many distressing questions:

In summary, the psychological issues underlying late childbearing are very complex. These pregnancies can be more difficult than those of younger women and postpartum mother-baby interactions can be difficult to set up.

Also for a serene pregnancy, it is recommended to follow the classic preparation for childbirth. First of all, the techniques are evolving (twenty years ago, we didn't use yoga, meditation or sophrology... for example). Then, meetings with other future mothers and professionals allow exchanges and a "socialization" of the pregnancy. Finally, since memory is often selective, it is good to remember the basics, the stages of childbirth, pain management, breastfeeding or not, etc.

However, if communication with the future dad, discussions with your gynecologist and/or midwife are not enough to calm your anxieties, do not hesitate to consult a psychologist in order to express your fears, or even the fears around the arrival of the baby.

According to Catherine Pierrat, "this pregnancy can also be an opportunity to resolve old and family conflicts, the problems of the relationship with one's own mother, especially since pregnancy leads to a psychic plasticity which promotes the reactivation of fragments of the preconscious and the unconscious which return more easily to consciousness and therefore facilitate therapeutic work".

Testimony of Aurélie 44 years old: a change of life and a second daughter

"I had my first daughter, Lola, at 32 and I separated from her dad three years later. I was living in the Paris region at the time and I was not ready to get back into a project of family. I focused on my professional life and making ends meet, as they say. The years passed, and one day (you can say when I was no longer expecting it!), I met my partner over 40 years old and he just 50. We had each had our share of personal ordeals (separations, accidents, discoveries of our atypical personalities...) My companion was starting treatment for a brain tumor and we had a transition project to a life in the countryside. The desire for a child appeared quite quickly for me, as obvious. I didn't dare talk to him about it because he already had a daughter in her twenties. and a teenage boy, but he accepted my desire and told me that it made sense. We felt that this little life had to happen in our relationship, and that it was not up to us...

I had 3 miscarriages before having this second child: I had no fertility problems, but the embryos did not hold! I didn't pressure myself, I just waited and was prescribed progesterone. It was after a move and two seasons of intensive work in our house in the countryside and in the vegetable garden that I became pregnant.

Formerly a city dweller and very active professionally, with a busy social life, I lived my second pregnancy in a living environment in the antipodes, in the countryside, exercising a part-time job, with very few solicitations and no stress. And above all, with a much deeper and more mature outlook on life. Throughout the pregnancy, I only listened to my feelings, my desires, led a very healthy life in the open air, worked with children - it is moreover on the table of a classroom that I found the first name of my future child, which was engraved in the wood!

I didn't do any preparation and I even had the secret hope of giving birth as naturally as possible. Moreover, I was so zen that I managed a large part of my contractions at home and left for the hospital quite late: my daughter arrived in 45 minutes, without an epidural.

Today, as a young mother, I trust myself more, I am less stuck on certain "principles" of the perfect mother who must ensure on all fronts. In addition, the dad is someone on whom I can count on a daily basis. He works mostly from home. I too have set up a schedule to be much more available. No question of going back to work as before, nor of combining outdoor activities. At almost 44 years old, there is little chance that I will have another child and I want to enjoy my daughter to the fullest, breastfeed her as long as possible and enjoy life and nature with her and her dad. . She's a very calm and easy-going little girl, so we're really lucky. Or is it easy because we are just relaxed?...

With hindsight, I think it was the fruit of two unique individual journeys, a very strong love story and an unshakeable faith in life. Moreover, our daughter's name is Lucie, which comes from lux, the light in Latin.

As for my eldest daughter, she lives in another region with her father and mother-in-law as well as their son, her half-brother. We had a somewhat distant relationship for some time and we can say it, conflicting: the announcement of my pregnancy brought us closer and allowed us to renew a more peaceful relationship.

How am I going to manage the bonds with these two children who have a big age gap? It's still early to say because my second just turned 1 month. But I think that the big one, by "losing" her status as the only daughter for her mother and by reaching that of the eldest, will be called upon to play a guiding role with the little one and this will create a new family dynamic.

Finally, if I had only one piece of advice to give to future mothers who are reluctant to commit to a new motherhood? To listen to their heart first and follow their instincts. There are no better advisors! And also to have a solid spouse or a close entourage who supports them. The rest is just adjustments and adaptations.

Slide: The pact of future parents: the essential subjects on which we must agree