Why is my child more obedient with others than with me?

""It's a love! We don't hear it"", ""I slept it without any problem, me!"", ""He ate without complaining, it is only with you that he does theDifficult ""... Many parents heard these sentences from the mouth of the granny, the auntie, the nanny or even a friend.And for good reason, children can be much less conciliatory with their parents than with an external person.As parents, you are probably wondering why.""My family thinks that I lie or exaggerate when I say it is difficult with me, as it is wise with them.Mid-angel, half-demo! ""Confirms Aurore.

Very often, the comments of the entourage are indeed good train.""It is because with me, he knows that it does not work"", ""I do not give in, she understood"", ""he feels that I am relaxed, me"" or other variation around the theme ""withMe, it's okay by itself "".What hell !You feel questioning in your role as a parent.What if I was zero?If I never got there?We stop right away, it's just the opposite!

Attachment theory

Several factors can explain this difference in attitude of children when they are with external people or in the presence of their parents, as develops for us Claire Boutillier, child psychologist in Poitiers.The theory of attachment, which was formalized in the 1950s, in fact in particular.The basic principle is simple: a young child needs, a vital need, to know normal social and emotional development, to create a privileged attachment relationship with at least one person (often parents) who takes care of himregular, intensive and investing the child emotionally.

""During the day, your child undergoes a quantity of stress, in the sense that he has to face a set of new or unusual situation when his figure of main attachment is not there.He will therefore contain his stress and his emotions.Once he finds his parents, he feels enough comfortable and comforted to express himself, ""she said.""But very often, parents feel mistreated.The trigger is indeed minimal with regard to an adult.But with the accumulated stress and contained during the day, a small annoyance becomes the drop of water that overflows the vase.Parents have the feeling that he is discharged 'on them, but we just have to see a relationship of trust and a feeling of security.""

Bring the keys to understanding to your child

However, we cannot put everything on the back of the quality of attachment.It should also be remembered that a child is not necessarily what adults expect from him: wise, docile or silent. ""Un enfant est intuitif et son raisonnement reste partiel.It is necessary to bring him as an adults sufficient resources to understand the rules and that little by little, he is measuring them to respect them."" Par exemple, s’il se met à dessiner sur un mur, il ne faut pas lui dire ""ne dessine pas sur le mur"", car dans ce cas, il n’aura pas saisi que ça vaut aussi pour le sol par exemple. Il a besoin d’une consigne claire et orientée sur ce qui est permis plutôt que sur l’interdit : ""Pour dessiner, c’est sur une feuille de papier ou ton cahier de coloriage"".Children do not have all the codes yet.We tend to make shortcuts but they need to teach them each way of doing.

Comment réagir quand notre enfant nous fait« une scène»» ?

First of all, we must differentiate what is stressful or an emotional reaction such for example anger.It is stress if the child is disorganized, does not know himself what he wants, rolls on the ground and that his members leave in all directions.In these moments, the best thing to do is to gently contain the child in his arms.He needs to be reassured.For those for whom it is difficult to have physical contact in such times, you have to strive as a parent to stay with him, to reassure him.It has been demonstrated many times that punishment rarely had the expected consequence.

In the event that your child is toned, tense, that his aggressiveness is oriented towards a very specific goal and for example that he begins to bite or type, it is that he is angry and that he does not knownot how to master your reaction.You have to start by intervening, stopping the violent episode.Then, rather than shouting, we must remember the rule and explain to him that we must express what is wrong.It is better to go through positive formulas like "I understand that you are angry, but rather than typing, it is better ..."

Practical cases to better understand

Finally, here are three cases reported by mothers on which our specialist has looked:

First situation: "My 3 and a half year old daughter is an angel with family and friends, at school I don't have a problem either.On the other hand, once the door of the house is closed, its behavior changes at all.She makes me goat!She is always in contradiction, when it does not go in her direction it is a ordeal.I do not let go, I remain firm but I admit that I happen to depress when it is lying because I feel like I did the gendarme all day and not to have had moments of complicitywith her… "

The opinion of the pro: this is a hypothesis, but I believe that the mother and her little daughter are looking for the same thing, but that they finally find it difficult to communicate it.Maybe by being difficult with her mom, she just looks for her attention.Why not imagine installing a little time of complicity before returning from school?A little moment in the park, a game ... before each one enters their routine at home.

Second situation: "With us I would say that it is the opposite!"Baptiste, five and a half is a rather easy and pleasant only child with us his parents.Rather obedient, he listens to us most of the time, eats everything, goes to bed without problem and very cuddly.Of course he has his rebellious moments where he sulks but they are rather rare because I think it perfectly gives the family's landmarks and the limits not to be exceeded, even if sometimes he tests to verify that they are always the same!On the other hand, if he is with Mamie or facing an audience: grandparents, friends, school friends or simple people in the street because he is not at all shy, he turns into a small thug to display asemblance of character that does not necessarily look like the child he is daily. Il teste, provoque, boude, se rebelle ou répond comme pour ""faire l'intéressant"" et il n'est pas facile de lui faire entendre raison en dehors du cadre familial, même s'il redevient le petit ange qu'il sait être dès que nous nous retrouvons tous les trois.»»

The opinion of the pro: Baptiste seems to have a great relationship with his parents, with great attention.It's awesome !But perhaps that he has a certain difficulty in adapting to the outside because we do not just pay him the same attention and that he does not understand why.He may not have the codes to understand that we do not necessarily act in the same way in a very private circle and in society.

Last situation: "At home, there is nothing to complain about, Laëtitia is wise. En revanche, quand on va chez mamie, elle ne m’obéit pas du tout en sa présence… mais elle lui obéit à elle !»»

The opinion of the pro: little information, the little girl seems to prefer to comply simply to the referent adult of the place.If we told her that at school, it is the mistress who is right, that at home it is dad and mom, she tells herself that at Mamie, it is granny who commands!

Thanks to Claire Boutillierclaireboutillierps.wixite.com