For or against: forcing children to say please and thank you

To: be well seen by those around them

Imaginez un peu votre fierté : lorsque vous arrivez quelque part, votre bout de chou dit systématiquement “bonjour”, et précède tous ses souhaits d’un “s’il te plaît”. Tout le monde vous félicite : “Mais qu’est-ce que ton enfant est bien élevé !”. Car bien se comporter en société est un des objectifs de l'éducation. Pour certains, cela passe par les formules de politesse. En tant que parent, vous avez une forte pression, de la part de la société et de votre entourage. Vous avez forcément des moments de doute, et le fait que l'éducation de votre enfant soit validée et reconnue par les autres peut être très important pour vous. Néanmoins, Valérie Roumanoff, hypnothérapeute et autrice de livre "Il pique des crises, apaiser les colères de votre enfant grâce à l'hypnose" explique “On n’éduque pas son enfant pour les autres, mais pour qu’il soit autonome plus tard”.

Against: children do not understand the words of politeness

In his book for or against: the great debates of early childhood in the light of scientific knowledge, the psychologist Héloïse Junier is rather against this injunction.She writes: “The words of politeness that are obvious for us, are for young children a set of abstract terms that do not mean much”.Indeed, they are as explained by the writer, in the concrete and the physical: “They understand only the words which refer to objects that they can manipulate (ball, truck, plate), or to actions that'They were able to experiment with the body (jump, hit, throw) ”.However, we cannot materialize a "thank you", or a "please".Especially before the age of four to five years, the child is not "decentralized": "he is not yet able to attribute to others beliefs and different intentions of his", so hedoes not understand these formulas.So, even if he says "thank you", when you serve his plate to him, that does not mean that he has grasped the meaning of the word: "The child simply associated a given action with a sequence of syllable" affirms thepsychologist.

The theory of the spirit

In his book "For or against", Héloïse Junier evokes "the theory of the mind".This means "the ability of children to understand the mental functioning of the people around them".In other words, this is the moment when they are able to understand that the mental states of others can be different from their.The author explains that it is a key skill, to understand for example humor, and other subtleties, such as polite words.Before this period, forcing him to use the "magic" words will have according to Héloïse Junier "no sense on the psycho-pedagogical level.It has only one merit: to please adults! ”.

The politeness of the child

It is not because your little one does not systematically say "please" and "thank you", that he is malpoli!"Young children are polite in their own way," said the writer.She continues: "They don't need adult words to prove their gratitude to you.They have done it naturally since they are very small ”.How ?"They smile at you, caress you, catch your arm, shake your hand," said the author.Sometimes they offer you something precious, which represents in their eyes a real treasure, like a beautiful pebble that they found by going to play the park.Valérie Roumanoff completes: "Politeness is something that is supposed to come from the heart".And what could be more spontaneous than a big smile?

Mimicry learning

What is important is not so much polite formulas, but rather the way your loulou will behave.Indeed, it can very well make use of it in a mechanical way, and however to be very malpoli.Being well at the table, do not cut the floor, and above all respect others, these are wages of politeness.Heloise Junier explains that for some parents, forcing children to learn these formulas, is a way of "contributing to their education and especially to instill them for the rules of good manners in society".But we must not burn the stages, because the understanding of these words by the child depends on their brain development, and not on their good will.The easiest way to instill these values at your little one, and to be polite!“Children spend a very large part of their time imitating us.The more we will be polis ourselves, the more we will transmit to them, ”says Valérie Roumanoff.In this way, it will also allow him to put more sense behind these words.Because if you do not address him in a polite way, there is little chance that he does it with you and the others!

Learn respect

To conclude, we could therefore say that the main thing is to teach your child to respect others."Finally, say please and thank you, it's quite superficial.What prevails is respect for the other person.We can very well say "please" and "thank you" and however send a walk for everyone, "says Valérie Roumanoff.The writer also reassures: "It is useless to put pressure on you so that children control the use of these words from early childhood".Indeed, the two experts are unanimous: to learn politeness in a lasting and deep way, be polite, and show the example!