"We leave without you": why you should never say this sentence to your child

"We're going to leave without you!". This threat, a lot of parents have pronounced it at least once. She goes out, when, at her wit's end in front of the child who refuses to get ready or to leave the park, for example, we no longer know what to do. However, this little phrase that seems innocuous (because, of course, we will never leave without our child) can do a lot of harm, explain Kristin, parenting coach and Deena, child psychologist, on their Big Little Feelings Facebook page.

Why you shouldn't say "we're leaving without you"

The two experts simulate a situation, imagining that a child refuses to leave the park. "I'm leaving!" said the parent. "The child continues to play, ignoring his parent. 'I really mean it, I'm leaving now,' the parent says as he begins to leave. The child continues to play, looking up occasionally. "Goodbye! ", says the parent. The child begins to shout "noooo", cries and runs towards his parent". This scene, we know it almost by heart. "Leaving the park, or some other fun place, is a trigger for kids. They don't want to leave, they feel sad, and they want to stay," Kristin and Deena explain. The problem with telling them we're going to leave without them is that "we accidentally tell them, 'your feelings about staying aren't important, I'm leaving, get over it . And it's possible that I really leave without you one day. It's very scary for them", they decipher.

What to say instead so that the child agrees to leave?

However, it is normal as parents to sometimes have to impose a departure. So, how to do ? Deena and Kristin explain that it is necessary to respect the feelings of the child, while setting limits. So, instead of telling them "I'm leaving without you", we can ask them: "I know you're having a lot of fun. It's hard to leave when you're having fun. It's the time to go home. What could we do together at home? Telling them that we can also have fun at home gives them a goal and encourages them to come home.

What to do when your child refuses to listen to us?

If that doesn't work, experts advise, "The key is to set limits. Don't wait for them to throw a tantrum. After the first two warnings, remind them of the limits firmly and confidently. in you, gently picking up your child and going with them. It's like saying, 'Leaving is very hard. I'm going to help you.' "They are. We accept that feeling. But we keep their emotional (and physical) safety intact, while showing them that it's time to go home. No fear is involved," she concludes. A way to apprehend a common everyday situation in a more benevolent way.

These parental phrases to avoid

By understanding the reasoning behind this explanation, seeking to take into account the feelings of the child, we quickly realize that other everyday phrases should be replaced. In "Don't say this, say that", the child psychiatrist Gilles-Marie Valet makes parents wonder about their way of communicating with their child. There are quite a few of them: "stop crying", which will inhibit emotions, "little girls don't behave like this", which are unfounded generalities, the "no" all the time, which become counter- productive or the "I told you so", which belittle and alter self-confidence. “Language is essential to human relational functioning. (…) For that, we will have to fight, as individuals, against the cultural conditioning that we have undergone and where aggression, conscious or unconscious, desired or not, polluted the communication around us”, he explains. Communicating is not a trivial act, "it is also thinking and acting", he concludes.